Can I forgive?

I recently chance upon a msn conversation I had with my friend about wat my ex had done. IT's like opening a can of worms, the bitter memories flooded me. I can't forgive, not that moment. I thought that I had forgiven him. I 've move on pretty well with my life, except for some occasional nightmares of him. At that moment, satan begin to tempt me, showing me ways that I can get back at him for all that he's done. Get thee behind me, devil! I reject you in the name of Jesus. I reject that jackass, slime pus. Vengence belongs to God. God will justified me. I shall not even cast any thoughts of vengence for I love and fear God at the same time.

I know God will never fail me, not even once. However that doesnt mean that christian lead a smooth life. Trials are thrown at us all the time. The difference is that we have someone to walk us thru watever adversities life might throw us. They may even make us stronger even though I never desire them. I do know that God is bigger than our trials n He will see me thru.

Some think being a christian means that we bear no evil tots. That's so not true. We can only be made whole thru the guidance of Holy Spirit. We struggled, wrestled with our flesh n spirit too. We are simply human whose sins are forgiven. I m just a wretched creature who need God so so so badly.

I delete that toxic file n told God to take it away. The damage he's caused in my life, I wished I can erase it just like that. Then I proceed to delete the photos I took with him. I felt so sick of seeing me and him together, sick to the core, damn it. I m just so sick of me n him. He's sick, a moral coward, sick man who can't take responsiblity for whatever he's done. Slime pus, idiot, sickening piece of shit!

I felt so angry with myself. Why din I remove the can of worms earlier. U know there's a saying that goes; not forgiving someone is allowing that person to hurt you over n over again. Why did I allow him to hurt me again? I asked myself.

Only Holy spirit can help me, guide me through. I certainly do not need to go thru another phrase of healing process. I've been thru it n do not deserve to go thru the whole process again.

God please help me to forgive! I m weak. I cant do it by myself. Take it all away. In the Mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Difficult To Be Loved

I think I m a difficult person to be loved.

I can be critical n judgemental at times. I m not cutesy or sweet type of gal. At least I dun try to. If they find me sweet, so be it. I m a forthright person, blatantly honest most times. When I meet a hypocrite, I just cant pretend that it's alright. I speak my mind though at times I know it's offensive.

Men used to tell me they like me because I m unique. But I can be quite a handful. I m not the unreasonable sort. I say sorry readily when I no I m at fault. I take an hour to order my meal coz I want things the way I want it. For eg, I dun jus order a waffle. I want my waffle brown n crispy, maple syrup n cream by the side coz I dun like them soggy. But I m not the indecisive sort. I usually know wat I want, how I want it. Yes, they find me interesting but after a while, loving me become a tiresome affair. Maybe I m jus good for short encounters. U know some pple are good for short encounters. My ex boyfriends love me intensely, I dun blame them. I dun get angry over small things. Sometimes I m like a man, I m ok if my bf is late for a date. I cant stand it when men are indecisive, inpractical with wrong priorities. I like men who are subtle, they can be sloppy in their dressing, it's ok. I cant stand men who take an hour to assemble their outfit for the day. It's too girly for me. IT's a woman's right to do that, to take an hour bath, 2 hours to get ready, and not men, isnt it? I like men who think of consquences, rational n practical. Maybe that explain y I cant stand whimsy, posey proposals.

They used to say I m quirky, spontanous, there's never a dull moment with me. I believe them but wat do men really want? They want someone whom they can feel comfortable, peaceful maybe boring at times is ok with them. That's the kinda life they want. I m an odd ball, not the cookie cutter type. I dun like to be flamboyant, to be in the limelight but I do enjoy sincere compliments. I never solicit compliments from my men. They gave me enuff compliments to brighten me up.

I sound like a man, dun I? But I m a gal at heart. I believe a woman should be submissive, a man should be the head of the family. A woman should learn how to cook simple stuff, sewing buttons, boil soup, taking care of family should be her 1st priority. But to many, I seemed very independent, tough. Yes I look like I m a very strong person, tough exterior but I m not. I m sentimental (too much for my liking), emotional, I get touched easily, cry easily. I love children n I always do my best to get along with my bf family. I believe having blessings from parents are very important. I never forget to buy mooncakes, new year goodies n xmas pressies for his family. I believe in respecting the elders. But still, I flung at relationships. Y? Something is wrong with me somehow. WHen a relationship goes wrong, 99% of the time, both parties are at fault, just whose more or whose less. Both my exes propose marriage within 6 months of the relationship seriously. But at the end, all comes to naught. I like to know which part of the blame is on me. Maybe I m not demure enough, not gentle enough...But I m honest, I love with all my heart n soul, I put in my best n I know they have too so I never fault them.

Whenever I m in a relationship, both of us cant see enough of each other which is normal right? n within the 2nd month, we always felt like we've been together for 2 years oredy. We felt like we know each other so well, so intimately. Is that normal? N they will tell me they 've never felt this way about anyone before. Am I a sucker? I dun think so. We have our quarrels, they cried their hearts out for me. I know they are genuine but somehow, things just go awry. Even when I opted out of the relationship, I know I still love them. That's y it usually take me at least another 2 years before I engage myself in another.

I wish someone will tell me where I go wrong but I think only God can. I think I m weird.

I lost a friend, a good friend.

My 1st quarrel with Raymond, my closest colleague at work for the past 5yrs. It's a quarrel, not an argument or anything. I 've seen it coming.

We had been very close, always encouraging n confiding in each other. Although he 's not a very goood listener or give good advice, it's ok. We dun see eye to eye in many things but we always manage to agree to disagree. Sometimes it can be infuriating but I always try to take it in good stride. He's very stubborn, always insisting on his point even if everyone (including our boss) tell him otherwise.

Sometimes we joke alot n his remarks are insensitive, but I tried to take it all in without wanting to seem sensitive. I even tried to forget abt it after that. But recently, his remarks sometimes are very poignant, n the worst part is he's not joking. He would jus rattle on like a machine gun. I got offended a few times but as a guy (their radar can detect no fumes till the whole house is burnt down) n I told myself I will need to talk to him abt it one day. I just resumed as if everything is normal. Good friends are able to talk abt things like that, isnt it?

I remember initially when we no each other, when we joke n play sometimes, I would throw an empty mineral bottle across at him. He told me sometime later that he din like it. I apologise to him n I 've never done it again. That's wat good friends do, they are able to talk things out,respect one another n agree to disagree. I dun argue with him saying I m right coz I respect him, respect things he might be sensitive to.

So last night at the mahjong table, he was once again being himself shooting those comments at me n I feel I need to tell him how i feel there n then as I was boiling. I put it as nicely as I possibly could, telling him that his remarks are hurting me. Instead of apologising n say that he would try not to do it again, he said he did it on purpose. Reason being I always make remarks that hurt pple without knowing too. So I should have a taste of how others felt. I felt so betrayed. I asked him since when, tell me so I can change, he chose to play mute instead. So I told him an incident that happened which I felt really upset abt recently. He jus insist he's right in making that comment as that is how he feel. The last straw that broke the bag was he told me that so wat if he pointed out my mistakes, would I be able to take it? I was furious, so furious to the point of stabbing him. I no that he make some comments so poignant not becoz he meant it, but just to win an argument.

I did it. I cited an example that he confided in me once a few years ago on how he was hurt by an event which I knew if I bring it up, that was it. I used it, I stabbed him with it. IT was the only way to silence him. He was so mad he kept quiet for the next hour. I no once I spit that out, it might be a point of no return, the end to our friendship. We most probably would never be so close again. But I had not much choice. He drove me to the wall. I tot abt it before saying it. I spat it out nonetheless.

He din say a thing to me the rest of the night. It's sad but I dun actually regret saying it. I probably lost a good friend, my best friend in the office. Have u ever say things u no u will hurt that person u cared abt, but u said it anyway after consideration without regrets? The bad thing is I dun regret which I usually do say something that hurt someone. I risked it. I might lose a good friend n a mahjong kaki.

Wat would God say to me? Sure he will forgive n say he understand how I feel though it's not something that he would do. Wat would he have done instead, I wonder? I dun think there's a better solution than that. Or probably I m not wise, not much brain juice in that peabrain of mine.

God, I would rather leave things at yr hands. For u said that there's no relationship that u cant salvage. There's nothing too great for you.

Review time!

Review, doesnt that sound familiar to you at all? So u 've heard it umpteen times in the office, church, from ur finnancial planner, the associations that u are affliated with, even in the food court n maybe sometimes in a relationship. IT's a word that's so overused, abused n very cliche indeed. Yr boss, department heads use it all the time, usually it's a way to tell u how badly u've done or how yr performance fall short of their expectation, or maybe how u could do better. Jeez... when is yr performance good enuff anyway?

This review for me now is how I 've done in the past 3 weeks.

Average no of cigarettes per day : 6 to 7
No of drinking sessions : 3
No of times swearing : 2 (approx)
No of times I lose my cool : 2

No of times I prayed : 12
No of times I read the bible : 4

Oh yes, n I studied for my estate planning exam and flung it! Well, not fantastic but at least I think I scored in the swearing department. Hopefully, I can score a nil in my next review.

I think the past weeks have been horrendous. I have to much on my plate n spread myself too thin, I think. My dark colored laundry is piling up, no spilling over actually. My dog needs a bath, I owe him 5 walks and he probably hates me now.

Thank God I managed to steal some time for reading. Fantastic book I must say, by author Jane Green, yes, it's another chick flick. Brillantly written. Rading is a luxury for me nowadays. I love romancing a good book. I manage to indulge in a foot reflexology and boiled soup twice, yummy. N yes, I had a 9hr session mahjong which was fantastic. I m now $50 closer to buying my dream home. Now it doesnt seem so bad. I took time off. I oso signed up for bible studies class which I 've attended 2 sessions. It was fun n enriching, not the boring types I expected.

I need to focus on my work now. The most neglected part of my life right now. But I must say that God has blessed my tremendously on my miserable no of hrs work. And please please pray a lot.Continue to work on my temper, swearing n yes, please please save money(on my oredi shitty pay). Be extremely thrifty.

Hang in there!!! God bless me...

Seek 1st the kingdom of God n his righteousness n the rest shall be added to you.

I've failed, miserably.

Today I flare up with my elder sis whom I 've not quarrelled for years. She's really a nice person. I was upset that she din informed me abt the change of venue n time for family dinner. I rushed there in the peak hour without even completing my work.

When I realised, I called her n asked y din she informed me, she said sorrie in a harsh tone and I was very upset. I couldnt even stay for dinner. I felt that I had created all these tension n distress that I left without dinner.

It's such a petty event I know but I hate it when I m rushing to make it to the weekly family event n they cant even do simple logistics properly. It's her off day but a busy day at work for me. As I was driving home, i cried out to God. I love my sister too much to quarrel with her. Yet I m upset with their bad planning with could have save me a lot more time to do my important work. I hate to have to penned on such events on the 1st day of my journal towards heavenward. Oh how inconsiderate I've been. She must have felt very sad.

I hate myself for that. And it's like opening a can of worms. I was crying in the car n start questioning God for all the injustice I felt, the unforgiveness in me. The unjust treatment. The &#%$^ ex boyfriend that I've yet to forgive is having a good time with his current new love. He told me he prayed to God for someone to love. I've been praying for years. I was the one who led him to Christ. Y did he get his prayers answered n not me? Y did we have to cross path in the 1st place? I can never be the same again. God, y were u so unfair? I know God is just n love me. I need to be patient n wait, not that I m in need of anyone now. My life is pretty much in place but I just cant comprehend many things. Yes, Lord say wait. Wait, how long, I cried my dear heart out to him. I poured all my frustrations at him, loud n clear. Yes, I m a bitter gal.

We are allow to talk to God like that, isnt it? Like a confidante, a friend. He knows my tots n my heart. So even if I dun pour it out to him, He knows. I tot abt things n felt a sense of peace came over me at last. I felt good, a lot better now.

I sent my sis a message to tell her I m sorrie to cause all the tension n distress. Anyway, still I feel I did lousy today. Haiz..... God forgive me for yr grace is sufficent for me.

I wanna do better tomoro.

I 've been a believer for many years. But I always feel that I dun behave like I should. Maybe it's the kinda expectation men heaped on Christians. I always hear comments like ' Do u know he's a christian n yet he did this', u dun hear pple saying 'He's s buddhist n yet he did this'. Well, maybe I should be glad that pple generally expect a lot from us, which probably is a good thing.

At the same time, please understand that we are humans, not saints. Being a christian means that our sins are forgiven if we repent, not that we are perfect. But I like to think that I m striving to be a better person all the time.

Sometimes, I think I m awful, coz I drink, smoke and swear sometimes. I m not pleasant to everyone. I find it hard to totally forgive pple who done me wrong, cause me much distress. But how can I when God has forgiven me. I dun go around trying to please everyone around me. If there's someone I like to angka (curry favor), it would be Jesus. It wouldnt be my boss, my clients or wat. But I no that doesnt mean it's right to throw poignant comments n speak my mind all the time to others.

It's an uphill task sometimes to be better. I m doing my best not to swear, not to drink too often, I been quitting smoking like almost all the time. I no I will succeed one day.

So this would be my little journal so I can see if I made improvements over time. For a start, I shall not swear today :)