I've failed, miserably.

Today I flare up with my elder sis whom I 've not quarrelled for years. She's really a nice person. I was upset that she din informed me abt the change of venue n time for family dinner. I rushed there in the peak hour without even completing my work.

When I realised, I called her n asked y din she informed me, she said sorrie in a harsh tone and I was very upset. I couldnt even stay for dinner. I felt that I had created all these tension n distress that I left without dinner.

It's such a petty event I know but I hate it when I m rushing to make it to the weekly family event n they cant even do simple logistics properly. It's her off day but a busy day at work for me. As I was driving home, i cried out to God. I love my sister too much to quarrel with her. Yet I m upset with their bad planning with could have save me a lot more time to do my important work. I hate to have to penned on such events on the 1st day of my journal towards heavenward. Oh how inconsiderate I've been. She must have felt very sad.

I hate myself for that. And it's like opening a can of worms. I was crying in the car n start questioning God for all the injustice I felt, the unforgiveness in me. The unjust treatment. The &#%$^ ex boyfriend that I've yet to forgive is having a good time with his current new love. He told me he prayed to God for someone to love. I've been praying for years. I was the one who led him to Christ. Y did he get his prayers answered n not me? Y did we have to cross path in the 1st place? I can never be the same again. God, y were u so unfair? I know God is just n love me. I need to be patient n wait, not that I m in need of anyone now. My life is pretty much in place but I just cant comprehend many things. Yes, Lord say wait. Wait, how long, I cried my dear heart out to him. I poured all my frustrations at him, loud n clear. Yes, I m a bitter gal.

We are allow to talk to God like that, isnt it? Like a confidante, a friend. He knows my tots n my heart. So even if I dun pour it out to him, He knows. I tot abt things n felt a sense of peace came over me at last. I felt good, a lot better now.

I sent my sis a message to tell her I m sorrie to cause all the tension n distress. Anyway, still I feel I did lousy today. Haiz..... God forgive me for yr grace is sufficent for me.

I wanna do better tomoro.

I 've been a believer for many years. But I always feel that I dun behave like I should. Maybe it's the kinda expectation men heaped on Christians. I always hear comments like ' Do u know he's a christian n yet he did this', u dun hear pple saying 'He's s buddhist n yet he did this'. Well, maybe I should be glad that pple generally expect a lot from us, which probably is a good thing.

At the same time, please understand that we are humans, not saints. Being a christian means that our sins are forgiven if we repent, not that we are perfect. But I like to think that I m striving to be a better person all the time.

Sometimes, I think I m awful, coz I drink, smoke and swear sometimes. I m not pleasant to everyone. I find it hard to totally forgive pple who done me wrong, cause me much distress. But how can I when God has forgiven me. I dun go around trying to please everyone around me. If there's someone I like to angka (curry favor), it would be Jesus. It wouldnt be my boss, my clients or wat. But I no that doesnt mean it's right to throw poignant comments n speak my mind all the time to others.

It's an uphill task sometimes to be better. I m doing my best not to swear, not to drink too often, I been quitting smoking like almost all the time. I no I will succeed one day.

So this would be my little journal so I can see if I made improvements over time. For a start, I shall not swear today :)