I lost a friend, a good friend.

My 1st quarrel with Raymond, my closest colleague at work for the past 5yrs. It's a quarrel, not an argument or anything. I 've seen it coming.

We had been very close, always encouraging n confiding in each other. Although he 's not a very goood listener or give good advice, it's ok. We dun see eye to eye in many things but we always manage to agree to disagree. Sometimes it can be infuriating but I always try to take it in good stride. He's very stubborn, always insisting on his point even if everyone (including our boss) tell him otherwise.

Sometimes we joke alot n his remarks are insensitive, but I tried to take it all in without wanting to seem sensitive. I even tried to forget abt it after that. But recently, his remarks sometimes are very poignant, n the worst part is he's not joking. He would jus rattle on like a machine gun. I got offended a few times but as a guy (their radar can detect no fumes till the whole house is burnt down) n I told myself I will need to talk to him abt it one day. I just resumed as if everything is normal. Good friends are able to talk abt things like that, isnt it?

I remember initially when we no each other, when we joke n play sometimes, I would throw an empty mineral bottle across at him. He told me sometime later that he din like it. I apologise to him n I 've never done it again. That's wat good friends do, they are able to talk things out,respect one another n agree to disagree. I dun argue with him saying I m right coz I respect him, respect things he might be sensitive to.

So last night at the mahjong table, he was once again being himself shooting those comments at me n I feel I need to tell him how i feel there n then as I was boiling. I put it as nicely as I possibly could, telling him that his remarks are hurting me. Instead of apologising n say that he would try not to do it again, he said he did it on purpose. Reason being I always make remarks that hurt pple without knowing too. So I should have a taste of how others felt. I felt so betrayed. I asked him since when, tell me so I can change, he chose to play mute instead. So I told him an incident that happened which I felt really upset abt recently. He jus insist he's right in making that comment as that is how he feel. The last straw that broke the bag was he told me that so wat if he pointed out my mistakes, would I be able to take it? I was furious, so furious to the point of stabbing him. I no that he make some comments so poignant not becoz he meant it, but just to win an argument.

I did it. I cited an example that he confided in me once a few years ago on how he was hurt by an event which I knew if I bring it up, that was it. I used it, I stabbed him with it. IT was the only way to silence him. He was so mad he kept quiet for the next hour. I no once I spit that out, it might be a point of no return, the end to our friendship. We most probably would never be so close again. But I had not much choice. He drove me to the wall. I tot abt it before saying it. I spat it out nonetheless.

He din say a thing to me the rest of the night. It's sad but I dun actually regret saying it. I probably lost a good friend, my best friend in the office. Have u ever say things u no u will hurt that person u cared abt, but u said it anyway after consideration without regrets? The bad thing is I dun regret which I usually do say something that hurt someone. I risked it. I might lose a good friend n a mahjong kaki.

Wat would God say to me? Sure he will forgive n say he understand how I feel though it's not something that he would do. Wat would he have done instead, I wonder? I dun think there's a better solution than that. Or probably I m not wise, not much brain juice in that peabrain of mine.

God, I would rather leave things at yr hands. For u said that there's no relationship that u cant salvage. There's nothing too great for you.